When I was young I always looked forward to holidays especially thanksgiving (and no it is not because I am a fat kid ) but as the holiday would approch I would get sad because I would realize that I could not do what i wanted to do. I always wanted to be at both my mother and fathers house . Now that I can do this though and be at witch holiday event I seem to encounter other problems. It is part of life you always have to do things you don't want to and you always have a choise to do the things you do but I still wish that I could just do what i want . I want to just spend time with those I care for and be in peace. Because is that not what holidays are for ? I guess I just have all of these hopes and assperations of the holidays and they never seem to be as climatic and they should be . I want the holidays to be like the ones in the movies where the whole family gets together and has a big dinner and talks about times past . I don't want to go to my fathers house and listen to my step mother and her mother bitch about my hair being too long or me not being in school this semester I don't want to be gilt tripped for never going out there I already feel bad enough I don't want to have to leave my life behind in my car . I don't want to have to sensor  myself  to impress some old poeple who don't like me because I am not fucking a blood relation and finally I don't want to get in a car accident on the way home. Possibbally after that my be fun though maybe I will see my friends and we will hang out .

I hope Christmas is better.


I miss the summer, and I wish I had some what I should of a long time ago.

My birthday

It is weird when you are little you always say "when i grow up i am gunna" now that i am quote grown up  unquote i have no clue what i want to do i have no clue where i am going or who i want  to be. most people would say well be yourself but then i run into the problem as to who am i really. i dont know i guess i  wish that every thing in my life was more defined if i was told what was going on in black and white maybe i would do things diffrent and with more confidence i am sick of this steping on egg shells bullshit that i should not worry about not having to do so but doing it anyways because i dont want to lose what i already have i dont know i guess for all i know had too. well i ma going to do what i do best now and drive i am pretty sure that is the one thing in life that i know i am accually good at and even the commonwealth of massachuetts disagrees with me on that one well good note to all.\\

being 20 sucks